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Aspects Of Delayed Ejaculation

Emotional And Psychological Causes of Slow Male Orgasm & Ejaculation

In the 1950s Masters and Johnson did some work on men who had trouble ejaculating. They listed the emotional and psychological causes of delayed ejaculation like this:

  • psychosocial factors (meaning behavioral patterns and relationships, life events, personality traits)
  • developmental factors (which means traumatic experiences around sex and problems with gender identity, difficult relationships within the family, and problematic or challenging attitudes towards issues of sex in the family)
  • personal factors (which means things like anxiety, depression, guilt, low self-esteem, lack of sex education, influence of cultural stories and beliefs about sex, and a poor body image)

Other people have suggested causes as varied as

  • fear of castration
  • fear of pregnancy
  • fear of relationship commitment
  • sexual performance anxiety
  • dissociation and spectatoring during sex
  • rigid religious attitudes and pressures which cause sexual guilt, avoidance of sex and hostility (towards one’s partner or oneself).

Relationship Issues: A Cause Of Delayed Ejaculation?

It’s obvious relationship issues are very important in sexual problems.

I mean, if you have doubt about your commitment to your sexual relationship, you may not want sex, you may not get very aroused, and might not even come.

Or maybe you unconsciously decide to stop ejaculating as a way to hold some power… And while that sounds a bit passive-aggressive, believe me, it happens.

Or perhaps a man who is emotionally “uptight” fears letting himself go – he must be in control at all times…. but the thing is, when you come, you have to let go of control. So – no orgasm, no loss of control. Simple.

But other researchers suggest the correct explanation for delayed ejaculation is the simplest – there’s not enough sexual stimulation for the man to reach orgasm.

This could be because the couple are just not exciting each other any more (and maybe they never did). However, many men have these ejaculation problems all their lives, so maybe that idea’s a bit too simple to explain slow ejaculation?


Bernard Apfelbaum believes that some men with delayed ejaculation are actually more interested in sex with themselves than sex with a partner. He calls this being “autosexual”. Are such men selfish? Perhaps not.  Perhaps men like this are TOO concerned with pleasing their partners.

Maybe they focus too much on their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own. Perhaps they simply don’t know that they have sexual needs, or for some reason they can’t or don’t know how to take care of their sexual needs… but for some reason they always put their partner first.

And what’s more interesting is that because they are so focused on their partner, they don’t notice how much sexual stimulation they are receiving or how aroused they are.

That’s why Apfelbaum came up with the concept of “partner anorgasmia”: because some men only show symptoms of delayed ejaculation when they are with a partner. 

Yet we know men with delayed ejaculation often have a hard and prolonged erection. Strangely, they only have low levels of sexual arousal. Apfelbaum believes that this hard and often long-lasting erection is really some kind of automatic response to being sexual – and its function is more about fulfilling the needs of the man’s partner than fulfilling his own.

Apfelbaum says that men who have delayed ejaculation or are slow to ejaculate greatly desire to satisfy their partner before they satisfy themselves. In fact, they put their partner before themselves. They are just too responsible for their partner’s pleasure.

And that means the man cannot get sexual pleasure. As a result the man’s partner may feel unattractive and unable to turn him on.

And there is some evidence this may be right – research has shown that men who take ages are not very aroused.

So it seems this low level of sexual arousal is a key diagnostic sign in delayed ejaculation.

And of course, there are other explanations for DE. Maybe for some reason the man’s penis is not very sensitive. Maybe a couple don’t not have an ideal environment for sex. The man or woman may have some physical problem that spoils sex or prevents orgasm – an example would be painful intercourse (dyspareunia) causes by Peyronie’s disease or phimosis.

A complete medical examination might be useful whenever delayed ejaculation rears its head. But also check out your emotions, your physical condition, and the state of your relationship. They can all play a part in causing delayed or – as it is sometimes known – retarded ejaculation.

Personality Characteristics Of Men With Delayed Ejaculation

Men often want to believe there’s a physical cause for their difficulty in reaching orgasm because this is easier to cope with than the idea of an emotional or psychological cause.

Yet if you look at the problem, emotional factors are never far below the surface. For example, men with delayed ejaculation often experience is a sense of disappointment around sexual intercourse.

Why? Perhaps because me who have difficulty in this area have been brought up in an environment where sex was somehow “taboo” or there was shame or guilt associated with it in the family.

The outcome of such an upbringing can be very serious repression of a man’s  sexuality, so that he is out of touch with his own sexual feelings, and therefore out of touch with his sexual connection to his partner.

What tends to make delayed ejaculation more prominent is that very often there is the additional factor of a hard and unyielding childhood environment which forces on the kid a sense of psychological toughness.

When you think about this, you can see that a boy in this situation has to deny his own vulnerability.

But for a boy who denies his vulnerability and then grows up into a man unable to open up to a female partner, you can probably see how sex is not going to be particularly rewarding – or even possibly exciting. Being cut off from your own feelings is a handicap in every area of life, emotional, physical and sexual. But there are other problems in the origin of delayed ejaculation as well.

Most people can move between an erotic fantasy life and their everyday world reality – for example, one might just start a sexual daydream or sexual fantasy for no obvious reason, and then slip back into the normal, everyday world when something brings your attention back to everyday matters.

But some men looking to find a way to deal with delayed ejaculation find it quite difficult to make the move between their erotic internal fantasy world and the “real world” – probably because the internal sexual fantasy world is somehow threatening to them.

Now imagine that you’d been brought up in such a way that you found the whole concept of sexuality and entering into sexual feelings threatening. Wouldn’t you wish to avoid sexual contact, or anything which opened you up to a sense of vulnerability with your sexual partner? In fact, wouldn’t it be more likely that you’d want to avoid even having a sexual partner?

Because what could be safer than having sex with yourself?

No threat. No vulnerability. No need to open up. So there’s a kind of logic here which suggests that some men – though certainly not all – who have difficulty ejaculating (or who can’t ejaculate at all) haven’t had the normal experience of sexual development that goes along with being male in our society.

And in passing, it’s worthwhile noting that there are probably a lot of men who have had these experiences in childhood who develop premature ejaculation – which you can also see as the consequence of anxiety and anger and fear around sexual feelings and thoughts.

But what it all comes down to is this: delayed ejaculation problems usually indicate that a man is cut off from his own sexuality and his own capacity to be fully sexual and sexually confident.

He may not get aroused, and he may have negative associations with sexuality in general, or with male sexuality in particular. So how can he find a way to be sexually aroused and to relax into the sexual experience with female partner?

The Essence Of Delayed Ejaculation

The essence of the problem is that he can’t function in a relaxed, comfortable and confident way when sex or sexual contact is available.

And this can manifest in many ways: the simplest is not being able to ask for what he wants in a sexual situation. In fact, he may not even know what he wants in a sexual situation. And obviously one of the ways of dealing with this is to become over-attentive to the needs of his partner.

The very mechanism of a man’s sexual arousal might be blocked, so that a man who is being touched sexually by his partner doesn’t become aroused, even if he develops an erection. You see, what you have to understand here is that while the body can become aroused in response to physical stimulation, a man can remain UNaroused mentally and emotionally.

Archetypes and Therapy

What are archetypes and who came up with the idea of archetypes?

The term “archetype” has a rich history and multifaceted meaning, making it a fascinating concept to explore.

In its simplest form, an archetype is a fundamental pattern or model that recurs across cultures and throughout history. These patterns can manifest in various forms, including Characters like the hero, the wise old man, the trickster, the damsel in distress,  and so on.  Or situations like the quest, the battle, the fall from grace and so on. Or as symbols: The circle, the tree, the snake, the water, and more. Then again, they occur as themes: good vs. evil, love and loss, betrayal and redemption, are but a few examples. 

Jung believed archetypes resided in the “collective unconscious,” a shared pool of memory and experience inherited from previous generations. This idea suggests that certain stories, characters, and themes resonate deeply with us because they tap into something universally human.

Who came up with the idea of archetypes?

Although the concept of archetypes has been explored throughout history, the most significant contribution came from Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. In the early 20th century, Jung proposed that archetypes are innate, non-personal elements of the psyche. He identified several key archetypes: 

  • The Persona: The public face we present to the world.
  • The Shadow: Our repressed or rejected traits and drives.
  • The Anima/Animus: The feminine/masculine principle within us all.
  • The Self: The core of our being, striving for wholeness and individuation.

Jung believed that understanding our individual archetypes is crucial for personal growth and psychological integration. But while Jung laid the groundwork for understanding archetypes, other scholars and theorists have expanded upon his ideas. Joseph Campbell identified the “monomyth,” a recurring narrative framework found in myths and storytelling across cultures. Robert Moore and Douglas Gillete wrote of the mdern male archetypes of King Warrior Magician and Lover.

Archetypes in everyday life

Understanding archetypes can be valuable in various aspects of life. For example, recognizing archetypes can help us appreciate the deeper meaning and significance of stories. And identifying our own dominant archetypes can offer insights into our motivations, strengths, and challenges, which can be helpful in understanding ourselves. 

To take another exmaple, recognizing archetypes in others can help us better understand their perspectives and communication styles, while writers and artists can use archetypes to create stories that resonate with a universal audience.

Introduction to the archetypes

In what way are archetypes relevant to our world today?

Archetypes are surprisingly extensive and multifaceted concepts which play a major role in our world. These are som examples of this idea:

  1. Archetypes form the building blocks of storytelling, from ancient myths to modern superhero movies. They offer familiar frameworks for understanding complex themes and conflicts, connecting with audiences on a deep emotional level. By tapping into these universal patterns, writers, filmmakers, and artists can create stories that resonate across cultures and generations.
  2. Recognizing archetypes in ourselves and others can provide valuable insights into our motivations, behaviors, and communication styles. This self-awareness can aid in personal growth, foster empathy, and strengthen relationships. For example, understanding the shadow side of our archetypes can help us confront suppressed aspects of ourselves while the “Anima/Animus” can inform us about our relationships with the opposite sex.
  3. Archetypes can offer valuable tools for understanding and addressing challenges we face in the modern world. For instance, the concept of the “trickster” can shed light on misinformation and manipulation, while the “hero” can inspire courage and resilience in the face of adversity. Analyzing archetypes within social movements or political landscapes can offer deeper insights into motivations and dynamics.
  4. Businesses and individuals leverage archetypes to connect with their target audience on an emotional level. By portraying themselves through archetypes like the “innovator,” the “caregiver,” or the “rebel,” they can tap into existing cultural associations and resonate with specific values or aspirations.
  5. Fostering creativity and innovation: Archetypes act as catalysts for imagination and inspire new ideas. By understanding and reinterpreting these universal patterns, artists, entrepreneurs, and innovators can create fresh perspectives and develop solutions to contemporary challenges.

However, it’s important to remember that Archetypes are not rigid boxes or limitations. They offer flexible frameworks, constantly evolving and adapting to new contexts. And an over-reliance on archetypes can lead to stereotyping and a reductive understanding of human complexity. The critical analysis of archetypes allows us to avoid blind acceptance and ensure their meaning remains relevant in today’s world. 

So, overall, archetypes remain potent forces in shaping our understanding of ourselves, each other, and the world around us. By approaching them with awareness and critical thinking, we can unlock their potential to navigate the complexities of the modern world and contribute to a more informed and connected society.

And how do archetypes play a part in therapy?

They offer valuable tools for both therapists and clients to explore the depths of the human psyche. For example, therapists can recognize underlying patterns and conflicts in clients’ narratives and behaviors by understanding archetypal themes. Also, someone struggling with recurring feelings of betrayal might resonate with the archetype of the “wounded warrior”, while someone grappling with self-doubt might embody the “magician’s archetypal inner critic.” Identifying these archetypal patterns can provide a starting point for deeper exploration and therapeutic intervention.

Next, archetypes residing in the collective unconscious, can bypass the defenses of the conscious mind and tap into deeper emotional experiences. Dreams, fantasies, and symbolic imagery often embody archetypal themes, offering valuable insights into unconscious conflicts and desires. Therapists trained in Jungian or archetypal psychology can utilize these symbolic expressions to guide clients towards self-discovery and healing.

Moreover, the core of Jungian therapy focuses on achieving individuation, the process of integrating different aspects of the personality into a whole. Archetypes serve as guiding forces in this process, helping clients confront their Shadow (repressed aspects), embrace their Anima/Animus (gender polarity), and ultimately connect with their authentic Self. By understanding and working with these archetypal energies, clients can move towards greater wholeness and personal growth.

And again, Archetypes offer powerful frameworks for finding meaning and purpose in life. The “hero’s journey,” for example, provides a relatable structure for navigating challenges and overcoming obstacles. Therapists can help clients identify their own archetypal journeys, connecting their personal struggles to universal themes and fostering a sense of agency and purpose.

Finally, recognizing archetypes in oneself and others can improve communication and foster empathy in therapy. Therapists can utilize archetypal understanding to bridge different perspectives, create a safe space for vulnerable self-expression, and build a stronger therapeutic alliance. This deeper connection can facilitate more effective communication and support the healing process.

It’s important to note that using archetypes in therapy is not about rigidly categorizing individuals or applying simplistic labels. Rather, it’s about offering flexible frameworks and symbolic language to understand the complexities of the human experience. By approaching archetypes with an open mind and critical lens, therapists can utilize their transformative potential to guide clients on their journeys towards self-discovery and healing.

To conclude: archetypes are not static concepts; they evolve and adapt to the ever-changing landscape of our world. As therapy continues to evolve, incorporating diverse perspectives and cultural contexts, the understanding and application of archetypes will undoubtedly continue to expand and refine, offering even more potent tools for therapists and clients alike.

James Hillman video – archetypal therapy

What is “parts work” in therapy?

“Part work” in therapy refers to a broad range of approaches that view our psyche as a collection of internal sub-personalities, often called “parts,” with distinct characteristics, roles, and motivations. These parts are believed to have formed in response to various life experiences, particularly challenging or traumatic ones. By understanding and working with these internal parts, therapists aim to address inner conflicts, heal old wounds, and promote greater integration and wholeness within the individual.

Key features of parts work

Parts work acknowledges that we are not singular entities but rather have numerous internal voices, feelings, and perspectives. Recognizing and validating these different parts is crucial for understanding our own behavior and emotional responses.

Each part is believed to have a specific role or function within the psyche. Some parts might protect us from emotional pain, while others might push us towards certain behaviors or fulfill unmet needs. Identifying these roles helps us gain insight into our inner landscape. When our internal parts have conflicting agendas or needs, it can lead to internal conflict and distress. Parts work helps us understand these conflicts, negotiate between parts, and find ways to move towards greater harmony within ourselves.

Many parts work approaches were developed to address the impact of trauma on the psyche. By working with traumatized parts, therapists can help individuals release trapped emotions, process memories, and find inner peace. The ultimate goal of parts work is to help individuals integrate their different parts into a more cohesive and harmonious whole. This allows for greater self-awareness, emotional flexibility, and overall well-being.

Several different therapeutic modalities incorporate elements of parts work, each with its own unique approach and techniques. Some of the most well-known include:

Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz, IFS views the mind as a family of internal parts, each with its own story and needs. The therapist acts as a mediator, helping the individual’s “Self” connect with and heal its various parts.
Ego State Therapy, pioneered by John and Helen Watkins, identifies and works with ego states, which are similar to parts but often associated with specific memories or experiences.
Shadow Work focuses on helping individuals release trapped emotions and trauma held in the body. This can be helpful in working with parts that are primarily experienced through bodily sensations. It also aims to restore the knowldege and power of cut off parts by intergating them into the whole of a person’s psyche. This is explained in this book on shadow work and archetypes.

While parts work can be a powerful tool for healing and growth, it’s important to note that it’s not for everyone. It can be emotionally challenging to confront difficult parts of ourselves, and the process can be time-consuming and require ongoing commitment. It’s crucial to find a therapist who is qualified and experienced in working with parts and who can create a safe and supportive environment for this type of exploration.

Here are some additional things to keep in mind about parts work:

  • It can be helpful to view parts as metaphors or stories rather than literal entities.
  • The goal is not to eliminate parts but to understand and integrate them into the whole.
  • Parts work is often an iterative process, with progress and setbacks being part of the journey.
  • If you’re interested in learning more about parts work and how it might benefit you, speak with a qualified shadow work facilitator or practitioner who can provide more information and guidance.

The Facts About Delayed Ejaculation

How Come You Can’t Ejaculate?

The Physical Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

One of the problems with research in this field is that there are few well conducted studies on long term delayed ejaculation causes.

That is surprising considering that there are so many men with the condition – estimates range from around 6% to over 10% of men.

Long term delayed ejaculation is not a consciously determined condition – in fact it is completely involuntary, and produces many emotional and practical difficulties for both the man and his partner. You can read more about the treatment of delayed ejaculation in this book.

One of the most challenging consequences is the failure to conceive because of the lack of male climax, but frustration and low self-esteem are also very important.

Delayed ejaculation is also extremely challenging for a man’s partner, as she may consider herself to be unattractive, undesirable, and possibly even a sexual failure.

She may believe that another woman would be better at satisfying her man sexually, and even if she engages in intercourse with her partner, she may be very upset about the extended period of thrusting that may be necessary for him to achieve ejaculation (if he is able to reach orgasm at all).

Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate events in the male body: the first is an event that occurs in the genitals, mediated by nervous pathways through the spinal column.

Orgasm is a much more widespread event, with sensations of pleasure originating in the brain, and possibly spreading throughout the body. The  so-called “numb come”, more scientifically termed “anesthetic ejaculation”, is an illustration of how the two events may occur independently.

The idea of anesthetic ejaculation is rather strange; if you’ve never experienced it, you may find it hard to believe that one can ejaculate without any sensation of orgasm, but it’s not uncommon. It’s usually due to a lack of physical arousal, while the reflex of emission and release of seminal fluid continues normally.

This lack of understanding is reflected in the Diagnostic and Statistcal Manual DSM IV, which categorizes reatrded or delayed ejaculation as “male orgasmic disorder”. Having said that, DSM-IV does offer a reasonable definition of delayed ejaculation:

A persistent or recurrent delay in, or absence of, orgasm in a man who has experienced sexual excitement and arousal during sexual activity at a level which would normally produce an orgasm in a man of that age and circumstances.

Unfortunately the DSM-IV definition also includes the statement that the clinician is the judge of what would be “enough” sexual activity to normally produce an orgasm!

This allows us to define it in a different way: delayed ejaculation is a condition where a man finds it difficult or impossible to ejaculate despite receiving adequate sexual stimulation, becoming erect, and desiring to achieve orgasm and ejaculation. It is a condition that can occur in sexual intercourse, masturbation or oral sex.

Another Definition Of Delayed Ejaculation

Bernard Apfelbaum thinks DE results from a man’s lack of sexual desire and sexual excitement.

He observes that most of his clients have difficulty in reaching orgasm with a sexual partner present, and suggests that such difficulty in reaching orgasm and ejaculating might be caused by what he calls an “autosexual” orientation.

In other words: a man is only stimulated to orgasm by his own stimulation (often when he is masturbating on his own).

But men with delayed ejaculation (DE for short) often have hard and long lasting erections. Surely this is a sign of sexual arousal? Well, possibly not.

The fact that a man cannot get sufficiently aroused to ejaculate with a sexual partner can be masked by a hard and long lasting erection. But his erection may be neither an expression of sexual desire nor of sexual excitement.

It’s merely a physical response, a bodily reaction, being used by the man to fulfill his partner’s expectations of intercourse.

Apfelbaum also suggested that it was unlikely that men with delayed ejaculation have strong feelings of hostility, anger or rejection towards women.

Shadow work and hostility towards women in sexual relationships

Shadow work can be a powerful tool for individuals seeking to explore and understand their unconscious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, including any hostility towards women. The concept of the “shadow” comes from Jungian psychology, and it refers to the unconscious aspects of the personality that are often hidden or suppressed. These aspects can include both positive and negative traits, emotions, and attitudes.

Here are some ways in which shadow work could help men who have unconscious hostility towards women:

Increased Self-awareness: Shadow work involves introspection and self-reflection. Engaging in this process can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, including any underlying hostility towards women.

Identification of Unconscious Patterns: Through shadow work, individuals may uncover recurring patterns or themes in their thoughts and behaviors that contribute to their hostility. Identifying these patterns is a crucial step toward understanding and addressing them.

Acceptance of the Shadow: Shadow work encourages individuals to accept and integrate both the positive and negative aspects of themselves. By acknowledging the existence of hostile thoughts or feelings, individuals can begin the process of self-acceptance.
Exploration of Root Causes:

Understanding the root causes of unconscious hostility is essential. Shadow work allows individuals to explore their past experiences, societal influences, and personal beliefs that may have contributed to the development of these feelings.

Developing Empathy: Through shadow work, individuals can cultivate empathy by exploring the experiences and perspectives of women. This can involve challenging existing biases and stereotypes, fostering a deeper understanding of the challenges women face.

Integration and Transformation:  Shadow work is not just about awareness but also about transformation. Integrating the shadow involves consciously choosing to change negative patterns and behaviors, replacing them with more positive and constructive attitudes.

Seeking Professional Guidance: Some individuals may find it helpful to engage in shadow work with the assistance of a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide guidance and support throughout the process. It’s important to note that shadow work is a personal and ongoing process, and its effectiveness can vary from person to person. Additionally, in cases where hostility towards women is deeply ingrained or severe, seeking professional help is crucial for a more comprehensive and tailored approach to personal growth and healing.

Another view

Men with DE might just be extremely self-controlling and conscientious about fulfilling the their duties as a sexual partner – the result of which is that they feel under immense pressure to satisfy their woman.

Never able to give enough, according to their internal belief system of how sex works, the man therefore also conveys the impression that his sexual partner is inadequate and cannot function sexually either.

The couple gradually withdraw from sex as a mutually satisfying experience into a world of autosexuality (at least as far as the man is concerned).

In essence, in this theory, delayed ejaculation is the result of a lack of sexual arousal.

And, interestingly, when men with ejaculation difficulties were interviewed in one study, they reported significantly lower levels of sexual arousal than men with normal sexual functioning, men with erectile dysfunction, and men with premature ejaculation.

So, in short, men with a slow, late or delayed climax appear to be characterized by a low level of sexual desire.

This sexual reticence, this delay in reaching orgasm, could be caused by both physical and emotional factors, including low penile sensitivity, a high ejaculatory reflex threshold, and the psychological issues that have already been mentioned.

The Meaning Of Delays In Ejaculation

During treatment, a sex therapist will interview a client to establish exactly how he feels about sexual activity.

He might, for example, ask whether the man experiences pressure to perform sexually even before sex begins, or whether these feelings may emerge later during sexual activity.

Or he may try to establish if a man is “cut off” or emotionally detached from his involvement in the sexual act, i.e., if he is slightly dissociated, a condition known as “spectatoring”.

A therapist would also want to establish the degree of connection between a man’s level of sexual arousal and his ability to gain an erection.

Other questions might include whether a man wanted to receive sexual stimulation from his partner, his level of and involvement in sexual fantasies, whether he had any feelings of guilt, and his ability to understand his own feelings and emotions during sexual contact with his partner.

That’s as opposed to having a focus on satisfying his partner. And it’s important to know about any sense of frustration or boredom during sex.

It’s important to establish how a man who can’t ejaculate understands his partner’s feelings, and what his level of anxiety about achieving orgasm during intercourse actually is (if he’s able to reach climax at all!).

It’s also critical to understand how a man with DE masturbates. This isn’t just about the technique that he uses to achieve orgasm with his hand, or in any other fashion, but also about the inner mental processes that he undergoes, and especially the fantasy imagery which accompanies his masturbation.

The biggest key, perhaps, to a man’s sexual functioning is whether or not there is any level of sexual fantasy about which he feels conflicted and which tries to suppress.

Another key point in analyzing DE is the fact that many men will continue attempting to reach orgasm during intercourse up to a point where they lose their erection.

This critical moment is worthy of close examination, because whatever happens at the point where the man’s erection begins to fade is clearly an important sign of the origin and treatment of his ejaculation problems.

Finally, it’s important to understand that this particular sexual dysfunction can be the product of side effects of drugs taken for other medical conditions.

Psychoanalytic View Of Ejaculation Problems

The psychoanalytic view of delayed ejaculation is that it is the bodily appearance of unconscious fears associated with sex in general, and ejaculation in particular: for example, ejaculation is associated with castration or death, or an unwillingness to “give” (that is to say, give his ejaculate to the sexual partner).

In psychoanalytic terms this is associated with anal-retentiveness.

In essence, something that is unacceptable to an individual is repressed into the conscious mind because s/he cannot allow himself to think or feel it.

Once in there it is transformed into an impulse which manifests in that person’s behavior.

In other words, a man’s reluctance to ejaculate is seen as a symptom of his unconscious hostility or resentment towards his sexual partner.

Apfelbaum has pointed out that there is another way of looking at this entirely: that is to say, a man who ejaculates in a very late fashion may be simply reflecting the fact that he does not want sex with his partner because he dislikes intercourse (or his partner).

In the absence of any justification or reason that will explain to his sexual partner why he feels this way, he instead adopts a pattern of behavior – albeit unconsciously – which involves rigid erections and long-lasting sex, whilst simultaneously and intensely resenting his role in (having to) satisfy his partner.

As Apfelbaum says, delayed ejaculation “is the mentality of the trapped… It is a foreign notion that he might need a good reason to refuse coital orgasms.”

Many men are accused of not wanting to “give” by their sexual partners. This suggests that the resistance to ejaculation is a symptom of a desire to “withhold” – an idea the psychoanalysts love!

But Apfelbaum suggests that this view represents the view of the partner and a generally held social consensus. There is no allowance in it for the fact that an individual man may actually not want to have sex, or that he may not enjoy sex if he does engage in it.

In general, it’s much more plausible to assume that a man who does not ejaculate during sex is in fact a man who is unable to “take, to be selfish, or responsible for his own pleasure, for the satisfaction of his own needs…..

Only when he is alone, masturbating without the presence of another individual, can he enjoy his sexual sensations and allow his desire and arousal to reach the point where he will ejaculate – mostly because he does not have to worry about the satisfaction of his partner.

Masculinity, Fathers, and Sex

How does the absence of a father figure affect men’s self confidence in later life?

The absence of a father figure can have a significant impact on a man’s self-confidence in later life. However, it’s important to note that the effects can vary widely from person to person, depending on various factors such as the individual’s resilience, support system, and the specific circumstances of the father’s absence. Here are some ways in which the absence of a father figure can affect a man’s self-confidence:

Self-esteem and self-worth: A strong father figure can provide emotional support, validation, and affirmation that contribute to a child’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. When this figure is absent, it may leave a void in a man’s life, potentially leading to feelings of inadequacy or a lack of self-worth.

Identity development: Fathers often play a crucial role in helping their sons develop a sense of identity and self-concept. Absence or a strained relationship with a father can make it challenging for a man to understand and define himself, which may affect his self-confidence.

Role modeling: Fathers typically serve as role models for their children, demonstrating how to navigate challenges, handle emotions, and exhibit confidence. In the absence of a positive male role model, a man may struggle to develop these skills and may doubt his abilities.

Relationship dynamics: A man’s relationship with his father can influence his ability to form healthy relationships with others. If a father figure is absent or has been a source of trauma, it can lead to issues in forming and maintaining relationships, which can negatively impact a man’s self-confidence.

Coping with adversity: A supportive father figure can help a child learn to cope with life’s challenges, setbacks, and disappointments. Without this support, a man may find it more difficult to navigate adversity, potentially leading to lower self-confidence when facing difficult situations.

Emotional regulation: Fathers often play a role in teaching their children emotional regulation and coping strategies. In the absence of a father figure, a man may struggle with emotional regulation, which can impact his self-confidence in dealing with emotional challenges.

It’s important to note that while the absence of a father figure can have a significant impact on a man’s self-confidence, it is not deterministic. Many individuals are resilient and can develop self-confidence through other positive relationships, role models, and personal growth experiences. Therapeutic support and counseling can also help individuals address the emotional challenges associated with the absence of a father figure and work on building self-confidence. Each person’s experience is unique, and the impact of the absence of a father figure should be considered in a broader context of their upbringing, support systems, and personal strengths and vulnerabilities.

Would this be likely to affect a man’s self confidence in the sexual arena?

Yes, the absence of a father figure can potentially affect a man’s self-confidence in the sexual arena. Sexual self-confidence is often closely tied to one’s self-esteem, self-image, and interpersonal relationships, and the absence of a positive male role model can influence these factors in a man’s life. Here are some ways in which it might impact sexual self-confidence:

Self-esteem and body image: A strong father figure can contribute to a child’s self-esteem and body image by providing emotional support and validation. Without this support, a man may have negative feelings about his body or self-worth, which can impact his confidence in sexual situations.

Relationship dynamics: A man’s relationship with his father can influence how he forms and maintains intimate relationships. If the father figure is absent or has been a source of conflict or emotional distress, it can affect a man’s ability to connect with and trust others, which can impact sexual self-confidence.

Communication and emotional intimacy: A positive father figure can model healthy communication and emotional intimacy, which are essential in sexual relationships. In the absence of such a role model, a man may struggle with expressing his desires, emotions, or boundaries in the context of sexual relationships.

Sexual education and knowledge: Fathers often play a role in providing sexual education and guidance to their children. An absent or uninvolved father figure may leave a man with gaps in his sexual knowledge and understanding, potentially leading to uncertainty and reduced sexual confidence.

Emotional well-being: The emotional support and guidance of a father figure can contribute to a man’s emotional well-being, which is closely linked to sexual self-confidence. A history of emotional distress or neglect due to the absence of a father figure can impact a man’s overall confidence in various areas of life, including the sexual arena.

It’s important to note that the impact of an absent father figure on sexual self-confidence can vary greatly from one individual to another. Many men can overcome these challenges through personal growth, therapy, and supportive relationships. It’s also worth considering that there are other factors at play, such as cultural and societal influences, that can affect a man’s sexual self-confidence. In cases where an individual’s self-confidence in the sexual arena is significantly affected, seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can be a valuable step in addressing and resolving these issues.

Reducing Sexual Anxiety

Solve Erectile Dysfunction & Delayed Ejaculation With This Powerful Treatment

You and your partner can address either erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation together. This is not difficult, though it does  require dedication and patience, perhaps quite a lot of patience. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, and the treatment for full sexual health is one worth pursuing.

We start with some exercises designed to show you how enjoyable physical stimulation can be, as well as increase intimacy and connection with your partner. These exercises set you up to do the more specific work designed for erection problems.

Sensate Focus Exercises

You’re going to do each of these exercises at least once, and you move on to the next when you’re happy you’ve got as much out of the exercise as you can.

Make sure you and your partner know and understand what’s going to happen before you embark on the exercises.

As you can appreciate, it helps if you have a regular time each week to practice this work, when you will be free of stress, distractions, work and family worries.

Video – sensate focus

You aren’t going to “get it” all in one go, so don’t worry if things don’t go according to plan. If you can take the attitude that it’s a fun and light-hearted process, you’re much more likely to enjoy it. And, also, find that it’s successful in reducing the level of erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation problems that you have. Even better, your partner is more likely to enjoy it as well. Certainly if you feel stressed while you do the exercises, then you need to lighten up a bit and take it all less seriously.

Yes, erectile dysfunction is a serious problem, but it can be solved and this treatment can be fun if you relax into it. Your erection is only one aspect of sexual communication. This series of exercise, this self-help treatment, will help improve much of the rest of your sex life. It can reduce anxiety, get you and your partner to be more intimate, and begin to establish in your mind the understanding that you are not necessarily impotent for life.

It is important that you keep your attention on what’s happening, and not go off on some fantasy or other. Each time you begin to think about other things, bring your attention gently back to the process. 

This includes the moments when you begin to think about what you look like, whether your partner is enjoying it, what state of erection your penis is in, whether this treatment for erectile dysfunction will work, or indeed anything irrelevant, including what the cause of your delayed ejaculation issues might be!

When you find yourself drifting off on thoughts or fantasies, just remind yourself that you are focusing on your body. Take a deep breath to relax any tension or anxiety that may have developed. Don’t be hard on yourself, and don’t think negatively: for example, if you think to yourself “don’t get nervous”, guess what will probably happen?

You do need to keep on doing this for as long as it takes to develop the skill of just being in the moment (or, at least, being more in the moment).

Should you have problems with a delay before you ejaculate, a problem that affects more than one man in ten, it’s well worth finding a holistic solution to the problem,  that you can come to enjoy sex more than you currently do. The point is that failure to ejaculate is an aversive experience which can put you off sex and make you lose your erection.

Step 1 – How You Can Relax

The first thing you have to do before you try sensate focus as a cure for erecile dysfunction (or delayed ejaculation) is to learn to relax. This may sound easy, but the truth is that the level of relaxation we’re talking about here is a lot deeper than the casual relaxation you might enjoy when you sit down after a hard day’s work to watch TV, say.

 This kind of deep relaxation takes a little time and effort to develop. Whatever method you use, you will start your sensate focus sessions by relaxing for fifteen minutes, and continue to use the relaxation techniques throughout the exercises that come later.

You can develop the art of relaxation through deep breathing. There are several methods you can use:

Method 1

Lie down on the bed, on your back, and breath slowly and deeply. If you wish, you can place your hands on your abdomen as you breath: deep abdominal breathing can be far more relaxing than shallow chest breathing: you can feel your diaphragm rising and falling with your hand.

Each time you breath out, relax more and more. Focus on your breathing. Each time you become aware that your attention has wandered, gently bring it back to your breathing, with a gentle reminder to yourself that the purpose of what you are doing is to be in the moment.

Focus your attention briefly on the places in your body where you feel tension, and feel them relax as you become aware of them. Keep practicing for fifteen minutes or so, until you feel more relaxed.

Method 2

This is the exercise I personally used when I cured my own erectile dysfunction, and it’s the one I recommend to clients.

Lie chest to back on your sides with your partner on the bed in the spoons position. You’re both facing the same way, so you can tuck yourselves together. You can start either way round, and swap later on. The idea of the exercise is to synchronize your breathing.

You both breath in and out together, slowly and calmly. One of you leads, and the other follows, sensing the time to breath in and the time to breath out by feeling the movement of your partner’s body alongside you. If you allow yourself to give up thinking and focus on the breathing, you’ll find this is a wonderfully relaxing and calming technique that allows you to develop great feelings of intimacy and closeness to your partner.

After you’ve spent five or ten minutes breathing one way, move over so the other person is in front and repeat the exercise.

You may find that you get aroused while you do this. In which case, try and focus more on the breathing rather than on the body of your partner. And don’t indulge in any sexual fantasy!

Method 3 Reducing your anxiety about sexual situations

You probably know all about the sexual situations which cause you anxiety. You can use these relaxation techniques to make them seem less threatening or to reduce your anxiety while you are in them in real life.

The way to do this is to associate some relaxing image that you find tranquil and calming with your physical state of relaxation. Later, when you are in the anxiety producing situation, you can bring the relaxing scene to mind and you will find your anxiety levels reduce immediately.

Start by thinking of an image that you will find relaxing. It could be a place, a person or an object, or indeed anything at all that you find calming. Then, use the relaxation techniques 1 or 2 above to achieve a state of relaxation. Bring the image to mind and tell yourself that “whenever I bring this image to mind I will enter a state of deep relaxation, as deeply relaxed as I am now, and deeper every time.” This will forge an association between the image and a deep state of relaxation.

Video – reducing sexual anxiety

Later, when you are in an anxiety-producing sexual situation, you can either use the relaxation techniques described in 1 and 2 above to reduce your anxiety, or you can bring to mind the image of the relaxing scene you developed in method 3. In all cases, you will relax, and your anxiety will significantly diminish. This will allow you to refocus on what you are feeling in your body, not on the anxious and worried thoughts in your mind.

How To Overcome Premature Ejaculation


The original treatment for controlling premature ejaculation was developed in 1955 by Dr. James Semans. It’s based on stopping and starting sexual stimulation in a graded way, so that a man is exposed gradually increasing levels of sexual stimulation. As his tolerance for prolonged duration of sexual stimulation increases, so does his degree of control over ejaculation.

Video – stop start technique

The idea is that he controls his arousal at each stage of this process so that he learns to cope with incremental increases in sexual stimulation without becoming more aroused. It’s a very effective technique provided that it’s used rigorously and practice is maintained.

The man receives stimulation from his partner until he feels he is getting near to the point of ejaculatory inevitability. Stimulation stops at that point until the man feels that his arousal has dropped.

It then begins again, and the process is repeated a number of times until he becomes much more accustomed to receiving stimulation without getting over aroused. It’s possible to do this oneself without a partner using masturbation and stopping when you’re about to reach orgasm. You can then use a similar approach to extending the length of sex in bed with your partner. 

Does The Stop-Start Technique For Stopping Premature Ejaculation Actually Work?

Developed by Dr James Semans, and long regarded as a good way to control ejaculation, things have changed.  There’s lately been been some debate about whether or not the stop start technique for controlling premature ejaculation is actually any good or not.

Semans really was a pioneer way ahead of his time, and developed a treatment method for premature ejaculation that no-one had heard of before.

He said that most men were scared of the fact that premature ejaculation might be psychological, and tended to see a doctor to get a physical cure. However, as he observed, women were dissatisfied with sex where men came so quickly. (So much so that a definition of premature ejaculation might be that the man “ejaculated before the woman had reached orgasm”.)

Now, in response to this demand for greater control in men and better sex for women, Semans was to develop a treatment method that was basically all about encouraging men to learn how to tolerate sexual stimulation without ejaculating.

And the way he did this was what we know as the “stop-start technique”. Starting with masturbation, a man would stimulate himself to the point where he was about to ejaculate, and then he would stop stimulating himself and wait until his arousal had dropped.

Now you all know this point, it’s called the “point of no return”, or the “point of ejaculatory inevitability“, and the sensations that build up at this point are unmistakable and very well known to every man who’s ever masturbated or had sex.

These feeling serve as a good indication of the fact that ejaculation is about to happen. So stimulation is stopped at this point, and according to Seman’s treatment protocol the man waits until the sensations in his penis and pelvis have decreased and he knows that he’s no longer on the verge of ejaculation.

This cycle is repeated as many times as may be necessary during masturbation to allow the man to develop greater tolerance of sexual stimulation.

As Semans put it, this was the mechanism of prolonging the ejaculation reflex. Now the man’s erection might or might not soften, but that’s irrelevant, because stimulation of the penis will always bring it back to full hardness. It’s the interruption of stimulation, the pause, and the resumption, that allows a man to receive sexual stimulation without ejaculating too quickly.

Naturally enough, the treatment protocol moves from masturbation by the man, to masturbation by the partner, to sexual intercourse as it develops. This requires the full co-operation of the man’s sexual partner. 

So the idea was that in stage two, the woman would masturbate the man until he told her that he was about to ejaculate, and at this point she would remove her hand and stop stimulating him. The process was repeated over and over many times, until in the final sequence or cycle of stimulation man was allowed to ejaculate.

In addition, the couple went through a progressive series of exercises, starting with a dry hand, and finishing with ample slippery lubricant which mirrored the environment of the vagina.

When good control had been established during masturbation, the man and woman would use the same process during intercourse – stimulation to the point of ejaculation, then pausing, then continuing to make love.

Semans claimed that it was possible for a man to be so tolerant of sexual stimulation that he was able to tolerate indefinite stimulation without ejaculation even when using lubricant. If that was transferable to sex, then the man would have marvelous ejaculatory control!

While this seems to be a very simple technique, Semans reported great success with it. Obviously one of the downsides is the interruption of sex during partner-masturbation and partner-intercourse. In the latter, the penis is withdrawn, and the man allows his arousal to drop before recommencing intercourse.

Finally, maybe one of the reasons Seman’s patients showed such dramatic improvements in length of their ejaculatory latency was that he was basically educating them in sexual techniques of which they were ignorant.

Does it work? Check that out here.

The Squeeze Technique As Treatment For PE

Video on the squeeze technique for PE

Interestingly enough, Masters’ and Johnson’s claimed a lot of success with their “squeeze technique” – but it’s not been so for other therapists trying it. Did they claimed a higher success rate than they actually achieved? (The essence is: squeeze the glans before ejaculation till the urge to ejaculate diminishes. Repeat as required. That’s simplified, and shortened, but that’s basically it.)

Maybe, but perhaps their success rate was down to their relationship with their patients – a long relationship, extensive and deeply committed.  

One of its advantages over the squeeze technique is the latter involves firm pressure being applied to the base of the penile glans between the frenulum and the coronal ridge on the opposite side. This id done at the point where the man becomes aware of the sensations of emission.

This certainly reduces his sexual arousal, and often causes his erection to decrease in rigidity, thereby moving his sexual arousal back down to a lower level. That way he can continue with sexual activity for longer, but it’s sometimes uncomfortable. Also, it is certainly disrupting to intimacy between the partners. And the stop start technique is more amenable to incorporation into sexual play than the squeeze technique.

Personal Experience With This Premature Ejaculation Cure

Ian Kerner is a certified clinical sexologist who has written about his own experience of learning to control his ejaculation. He says that it was the stop-start method that finally smashed his relationship into pieces (though his girlfriend at the time does not sound like a particularly accommodating woman).

According to his account, with so much stopping and rather less starting, she finally lost patience, shouted “Are we having sex or parking the car?” and stormed out of the room! She gave him an ultimatum that he had to have his sexual performance figured out, his premature ejaculation cured, by the time she got back from a business trip. And then he went into a place of feeling like a little boy incapable of controlling his bodily functions.

This does remind us that part of the problem with premature ejaculation is psychological. The shadow of emotional wounds with women during childhood – mother, sisters, other family members – can impact a little boy for life. He may, as an adult, develop shadow energies around women which continue to play out in adulthood. This is a complex area, but you may find this book helps to explain the idea of shadow. You can also buy the book in the USA – the book is  about the shadow, human psychology and emotional healing. 

Kerner says, in fact, that he considered PE his “tragic downfall”. With more experience and knowledge, of course, Kerner soon discovered that he’s actually one of a vast body of men who have little ability to overcome premature ejaculation, and who are looking for a cure.

He says as many as 30% of men suffer from this particular sexual dysfunction. However, that 30% figure is based on self-reporting.  But premature ejaculation may actually be “natural”. It does make sense from the point of view of evolution that the fastest ejaculating males would be a more likely to succeed in fertilizing a female. For one thing they’d be safer from predators than those who required a prolonged session of mating before they ejaculated.

If PE is not in fact a sexual dysfunction, but a completely normal way of functioning based on normal human physiology, perhaps the term “premature ejaculation” could be replaced by another such as “naturally fast ejaculation”.

Kerner’s personal story was all about how he tried to deal with PE in the usual ways: masturbating before dates, using alcohol, and donning two condoms. He even talks about distracting himself, which is possibly the most classic and the most useless way of controlling your ejaculation. Thinking about corpses during sex does not make for a pleasant experience! He even tried herbal medicines and a dab of cocaine on the tip of his penis, but those strategies did not work either.

After the ultimatum from his girlfriend, Kerner says that he tried to find a cure using biofeedback, self hypnosis and “masturbation training” from a specialist.  Needless to say, of course, he’d achieved no greater control by the time he went to bed with her after the business trip.

In fact, he must have been very nervous because he spontaneously ejaculated before he’d even achieved penetration. His final – and successful – attempt to find a premature ejaculation treatment that worked was with the help of a sex therapist who enabled him to achieve much longer lasting intercourse by using the techniques of behavioral therapy.


The hidden erection problem in young men

Erection problems in young men

A study in Western Australia on male erectile dysfunction found that one quarter of men had erection problems, and one in twelve had severe erectile difficulty.

The study was conducted by sending postal questionnaires to randomly selected men in the electoral roll. In summary, before we look at the detail of the study, these are the basic facts: 42% of questionnaires were returned to the researchers, so the sample was to some extent self-selected. Among adult men in WA, the occurrence of any erection problem and severe erectile dysfunction was, respectively, 25.0% and 8.5%.

As you might expect, the frequency of erection problems increased with age. Astonishingly, thirty-eight percent of married men and men who had partners experienced erection problems (severe erection problems 19.1%). There was little difference between white collar and blue collar workers; the most disturbing fact of all was that the vast majority of the men had had erection problems for over a year, but only a meagre 14% had asked for or received any treatment.

Erectile dysfunction (erection problems) means that a man is consistently and perhaps recurrently unable to achieve an erection hard enough for penetration and sexual intercourse. The researchers wanted to conduct a survey on erection problems among men in Western Australia, and used the Electoral Roll for June 2001 as the source for the men they questioned.

They selected men by age and location, using 14 random samples of 302 men in and outside Perth. They sent out a reply-paid questionnaire by mail and in it asked questions on medical history and medical treatment, social status, sexual behavior and sexual function. The men were classified as blue or white collar workers and assessed for social deprivation. The data was collected using the International Index for Erectile Function, which is also called the Sexual Health Inventory for Men.

4,228 questionnaires were posted, and 1,580 (89.3%) returned with a full set of answers. These 1,580 men were aged between 20.1 and 99.6 years. For the purpose of this study they were grouped by age. Erection problems occurred in 25% of the whole sample, and and an astonishing 8.5% of these men reported severe erection problems.

Both the frequency of occurrence and the severity of erection problems increased very significantly with age, particularly after a man reached 50 years of age. But even 15% of the young men aged between 20 and 29 years had erectile problems – and surprisingly, this was less than the men in the next older age groups.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, there was a decline in sexual activity in men of 60 years and older; over 70 years of age, sexual activity declined sharply. But a significant number of the men over 60 (42.6%) and over 70 (25.7%) were sexually active.

There are many interesting facts in this survey beyond those related to erection problems. For example, while about three quarters of the men were married or living with sexual partners, only three quarters of these men were sexually active.

Of the ones who were sexually active, just over 60% said they were having sex on a regular basis. Of the other quarter who were not living with a wife or partner, 53.9% were sexually active – and indeed 39.2% of these men said they had sexual intercourse on a regular basis.

A majority of the men were employed, though 36.8% had retired on grounds of age and 6.8% had retired on the grounds of ill-health.

The highest incidence of erectile problems occurred in clerical, sales, and service workers, but the occurrence of erection problems wasn’t really much different between blue collar and white collar workers. What is less surprising is that erection problems occurred most often in men from economically deprived areas. We know stress is a potent factor in causing a loss of a man’s sense of male power, so there is nothing surprising about that.

Most of the men (a massive 89.1%) with erection problems had had  their difficulties for more than 1 year, and a whopping 74.8% had had erection problems for more than two years; unbelievably 12.2% said they had been suffering for more than 10 years. And the longer it went on, the worse it got. Yet only 90 men (a meager 14.1%) had ever looked for and got any treatment.

Most studies on erection problems have looked at men aged between 40 and 70 years, but this study covered a much bigger range. To this extent, then, it represents the entire spectrum of adult men in WA. You have to assume that this is typical of the results in much of the Western World, and it is truly shocking.

When you look at the detail, it seems odd that men in the 20 – 29 age group appeared to have more erection problems than the 30 – 39 years age group. Possible explanations include commonplace stress of early adulthood such as new relationships, new work responsibilities, and stress linked to leaving home. Among men aged between 40 and 69 years, erection problems occurred in 33.0% of men, while severe erection problems occurred in 8.6%. In fact, the age of a man is far more important than any other factor in determining whether a man has an erection problem.

Both the frequency and the severity of erection problems increase with age. And since the older age groups were under-represented in the study, the true frequency of erection problems and of severe erection problems in men may have been higher than the recorded levels of 25.1 and 8.5%.

Australian demography is changing rapidly, and the proportion of men aged 65 years and older will increase dramatically in the years to come – which means erection problems will pose huge clinical and socioeconomic burdens on healthcare providers and social support services in the years ahead – if men choose to seek help, which currently they are not doing.

The majority of the participants in the Western Australia Men’s Health Study, from where these results are taken, were married or had partners, even though an astonishing 25% or more of these men were not enjoying an active sex life. Of the men aged 70 years and older, a fair proportion remained sexually active.

All these findings matched the results from the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors, a large scale project in which over thirteen thousand men from 30 countries were asked about their sexual behavior. Over 84% of men in this study aged between forty and eighty said they’d had sexual intercourse within the 12 months preceding the study. Among the men who were sexually active, about half said they had sexual intercourse regularly.

Analysis of the results of the study also showed that being separated or divorced may be one of the predisposing factors for erection problems. (Though once again, of course, whether the erection problems were a cause of, or simply unrelated to, separation and divorce, is unclear. In other studies, it has been shown that men with severe erection problems are much more likely to be single, without regular sexual partners.

Erection problems have previously been associated with lower socioeconomic status. The current study demonstrated that erection problems occurred in a smaller proportion of men who were in full- or part-time employment compared to the unemployed.

Of the 468 men in the study who reported on the length of time for which they had endured erection problems, 47.9% had had the problem for between one and five years. This matches other studies in the general population, where 55% of men with the problem were found to have had erectile dysfunction of one sort or another for this period. The current authors’ observation that men who had had it for longer also had more severe problems is neither surprising nor novel.

In spite of erection problems being a common and often long-standing condition, only 14.1% of the men with erection problems had ever received any treatment.

This suggests that there is an urgent need for sexual education and awareness information at every level. And certainly, if it’s true that the longer the erection problems continue, the worse they get, then men with any erection problem should get professional assistance as soon as possible so that therapeutic intervention can be started in the milder stages of erectile dysfunction.

It’s also important to remember that erection problems may indicate cardiovascular and endothelial disease – so once again, there is a clear incentive for erection problems to be comprehensively investigated. In this study in WA, erectile dysfunction was found to be apparently under-diagnosed and grossly undertreated. Whether or not this is true – and if it is, whether or not it applies to the rest of the world – remains to be seen.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine

Volume 5 Issue 1 Page 60-69, January 2008

To cite this article: Kew-Kim Chew MBBS, FRCPEdin, FRCPGlasg, Bronwyn Stuckey MBBS, FRACP, Alexandra Bremner BSc(Hons), GradDipAppStats, PhD, Carolyn Earle BSc, PGradDipHithSci, Konrad Jamrozik MBBS, D Phil (2008) Male Erectile Dysfunction: Its Prevalence in Western Australia and Associated Sociodemographic Factors
The Journal of Sexual Medicine 5 (1) , 60–69 doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2007.00548.x

Last A Lot Longer In Bed!

A Solution For Rapid Ejaculators!

Start by masturbating, in the presence of your partner.

Indeed, your partner can pleasure you if she is willing to participate in the “therapy”.

If she is pleasuring you, you will need to indicate to her when you are approaching the point of no return.

But whether it is you or her doing it, close your eyes and focus on your bodily experience. Slow down or stop if you are getting too aroused and too near the point of ejaculation. This way, you won’t experience a rapid ejaculation.

Stop before you get too aroused.

When you feel that your progress towards orgasm and ejaculation has leveled off and your level of arousal has diminished, you can start to apply stimulation once again.

Repeat the sequence of stimulation to below the point of no return and then stopping stimulation three times. Each time, you need to pause for a minute, or longer, so that your arousal drops and you are in no “danger” of ejaculating before you start stimulating yourself again.

On the fourth cycle, continue till you reach climax, making sure you observe the sensations in your body so that you learn to identify the feelings associated with an impending ejaculation.

Over the next two weeks, repeat this exercise at least three times, either with your partner or alone.

If you apply some clear effort and intention to this, you should find that you can control your ejaculation and your stamina increases quite quickly. You may find you can last a lot longer in bed quite easily.

The next step is to control the rate at which you move towards climax.

By varying the degree of self-stimulation you will find that you can easily control this, and you can develop tolerance of much greater stimulation before ejaculation becomes inevitable. Now, this requires some self-discipline. I’ve worked with men for a long time, and I know that the energy required to resists the pleasure of orgasm is considerable. It requires clear warrior energy – the ability to set internal boundaries as well as external boundaries. (And when I refer to internal boundaries, I am speaking of the kind of mental and emotional discipline required to say NO! to the urge to ejaculate, or use porn, or any other practice which is fundamentally unhelpful to you as an individual.) Many men lack Warrior energy because they simply were not brought up in a way that allowed them to embody their masculinity fully. If you feel that some help and guidance in this area might assist you in creating greater self-discipline, this book is a very useful handbook to stepping into your masculinity and becoming the man you can be (and perhaps, as the author says, were always meant to be!)

This new found control will form the basis of your ability to control premature ejaculation and last longer during intercourse.

You will probably develop the ability to keep yourself on the verge of climax for prolonged periods quite quickly.

Practice this regularly over the next three weeks to reinforce this skill.

Continued below the video.

Sidebar: Video on premature ejaculation

The next step is to stimulate your penis in a way that feels like you are making love to your partner, while still maintaining this level of control.

You can do this by using a lubricant and getting your partner to stimulate you using her cupped hand around the shaft and head of your penis.

Although it maybe much more sensuous, by following the same routine as described above, you will again quickly develop a level of control over your ejaculation far greater than you had before.

The next step is to enjoy entering your partner while still maintaining control over your arousal.

This is done while you lie on your back and your partner goes on top. You may work up gradually to full intercourse, perhaps starting by gently rubbing your bodies together or by just enjoying lovemaking with shallow penetration…. that should help you last longer in bed. lovemaking.

Greater Control and Endurance 

At all times, the objective is to remain in control of your arousal: if it begins to increase too rapidly, focus on your bodily sensations or withdraw from your partner altogether until (1) you are less aroused  and (2) you feel you have your arousal and level of sexual excitement back under control.

Once you are making love, move inside your partner gently or ask her to move on you in a gentle way so that you do not become too stimulated.

If your arousal begins to shoot up,  stop moving or withdraw form her vagina until your arousal is back under control.

This process should enable you to counter premature ejaculation and learn how to enjoy intimacy for longer periods before you feel the urge to ejaculate.

After practicing for six months, one man who worked with me on learning to last for longer periods during intercourse increased his control from two minutes to last for sixteen minutes.

Another man, who had been able to last for ten minutes now lasted, so he said, on average twenty minutes.

So, I’d conclude that if you are motivated and determined to control your premature ejaculation, you can do so without too much difficulty.

Both men and women may like longer lasting sex!

Read some scientific research here.

If you’re a man and you think “No, it isn’t like that, I don’t have any control”, ask yourself if you have ever fantasized about giving a woman a wonderful orgasm as you were totally dominating her!

Yes? We men are – at least to some extent – culturally conditioned to think of ourselves as responsible for a woman’s pleasure.

So how’s the poor guy with premature ejaculation going to get out of this trap?

Answer: she takes responsibility for her own pleasure by consciously asking him to satisfy her, or by doing it herself…. and he stops feeling he has to please her.

Now, just for a moment let’s go back to a couple where the woman loves reaching her climax by means of foreplay and he gets his pleasure from reaching orgasm while he’s inside her, even if that happens quite quickly.

Fitness equal sexual success?
Is sex a mutually rewarding experience for you?

Great for some couples, I have no doubt.

But….some women could achieve climax if their man had enough staying power (i.e he could last and last before he came….).

And to make a woman come like this often takes fifteen or twenty minutes of lovemaking, and a fairly vigorous level of sexual activity, so the reality is most men enjoy their climax long before the woman gets to hers.

So does this mean the man’s at fault if she couldcome during intercourse but doesn’t make it to orgasm?

If you think the man has a natural role to play in intercourse – satisfying a woman – then I suppose he is, even if by any other standard he’s a pretty good lover.

One answer for a couple like this is to get some training in Tantric techniques, so they can work towards the pleasures of long lasting sex.

But for most couples Tantra is irrelevant.

Rapid ejaculation is a problem mostly for men who lack confidence and for men whose self-esteem is not supported by their relationship.

For them, the solution might involve finding ways to feel good about themselves, developing greater self-confidence, and using a treatment program supported by each other.

Sometimes one or other partner sabotages the program (“It’s boring”; “It just doesn’t work”; “It takes too much time”; and so on).

When that happens, I always wonder if they really want to change or if it’s less risky to be stuck where they are, feeling the same old feelings, and reinforcing how each of them feels about themselves and each other.

The Power Of Youth –  Long May It Last!

Lastly, though, there’s the young man, horny as heck and very sexually inexperienced, who has premature ejaculation just because he’s getting his girl and it thrills him!

This is the curse of youth, though it’s compensated for by his ability to carry on making love for longer only a few minutes later as though nothing’s happened!

For this man, the answer is greater lovemaking experience and a steady partner who loves him, and who can help him learn and grow as a lover.

Finally, remember, a man worrying about his ejaculation may be missing the fact that it’s not really that much of a problem for his partner: which means he’s not listening to her.

He’s living with his own fears and doubts…. and with his own beliefs about what his partner wants, which he’s not checking out with her.

So have some hope, whether you are a man who ejaculates too soon or a woman in love with such a guy.

Premature ejaculation can be stopped – but doing so may involve taking a long, hard look at yourself and your relationship.

Premature ejaculation cures

The speed of a man’s ejaculation is determined genetically according to Utrecht University neuropsychiatrist, Dr Marcel Waldinger, and pharmacological researcher, Paddy Janssen, who have scrutinized a group of Dutch men with premature ejaculation. Shame may play a part – so, if you know you have sexual shame issues, see a therapist or counsellor.

You can read the results in detail in the celebrated international scientific periodical, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, but here is an outline of their research.

Waldinger and Janssen took 89 Dutch men who suffer from premature ejaculation in its primary form that is men who have always had this problem.

Waldinger pointed out that the study applied only to men who have ejaculated prematurely right from their first sexual experience and does not include men who started with the problem later on in life.

There was also a control group of another 92 men. The experiment was conducted at home and lasted a month, during which time the female partners used a stopwatch to measure the time from penetration to ejaculation every time they had intercourse.

Having listed the men in order of ‘speed’, the next step was to examine their individual genetic makeup.

The results were surprising but interesting. In those men who suffer from premature ejaculation, the monoamine neurotransmitter ‘serotonin’ appears to be less dynamic between the nerves in the part of the brain that controls sexual function and ejaculation.

This substance is one of the many brain chemicals linked to sexual activity and desire. Its function is to transfer signals from one neuron to another, but due to the minimal activity of serotonin in men with the primary form of premature ejaculation, this signal transfer does not take place properly.

Waldinger and Janssen say that a gene which had already been discovered, that is 5-HTTLPR, seems to be responsible for the quantity and activity of serotonin, which in turn means that this gene controls the rapidity of ejaculation. There are 3 types of this gene known as LL, SL and SS.

The study shows that the LL type causes a very quick ejaculation so that on average, men with LL ejaculate at twice the speed of men with the SS type, and also they are almost twice as fast as men with the SL type.

This is just a preliminary result. The researchers are now looking for other genes that may be involved in the ejaculation process.

Marcel Waldinger has always opined that premature ejaculation was not psychological. As early as 1998, he predicted, with the aid of experimentation, that both the speed with which men ejaculate and the primary form of premature ejaculation were determined by the individual’s genetic makeup.

So far he has stood alone in his theory that contradicts the prevalent idea that premature ejaculation in its primary form is a psychological disorder. The results of this new piece of research confirm the genetic theory and may in future contribute to the treatment of premature ejaculation by means of gene therapy.

A spray on delay for PE

Sufferers from premature ejaculation will be interested in a great new pharmaceutical product which was recently unveiled at the 104th Annual Scientific Meeting of the American Urological Association.

It is called PSD502, a new topical spray, which is claimed to be a safe and effective medication for premature ejaculation.

The scientists who researched the product, Doctors Wyllie, Heath and Dinsmore, presented their data on the spray’s capabilities within a presentation of their 3 phase, randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled experiment.

This is the background to the study. One of the current treatments for premature ejaculation is the squeeze technique.

Another consists of a topical cream with desensitizing properties which muffles the sensitivity of the penile skin and therefore delays ejaculation.

This is very effective but this cream requires the use of a condom plus you need to wash it all away before intercourse and moreover it may reduce sexual pleasure.

The researchers have invented a new topical spray, which consists of an aerosol fusion of lidocaine and prilocaine, which they can prove to be effective and simple to use.

This new medication is applied five minutes before intercourse. It works by selectively desensitizing the penile skin, acting only the non-keratinized skin, which is the interior lining of the foreskin and the exterior of the glans. It works without adversely affecting the sensation of ejaculation.

Delay spray

The study worked like this. The researchers chose 300 men with premature ejaculation, diagnosed under the guidelines of the International Society of Sexual Medicine that is having an intravaginal ejaculatory latency time of a minute or less.

The participants were divided into two groups, one group used the PSD502 spray and the men in the other group were given a placebo spray.

Each man had to the spray he was given five minutes prior to sexual intercourse. Both groups were equal in having an average standard of 0.6 minutes latency time before ejaculation.

The result proved the efficacy of the PSD502 spray. The PSD502 group had an average latency time of four minutes while the placebo group improved but only up to one minute.

The spray was well tolerated by both the men and their partners, and there were very few reports of systemic events or serious adverse side effects. The PSD502 group reported 2.6% of treatment-related adverse events and the placebo group reported 1%.

The study was succinctly and accurately summed up by Dr Ira D. Sharlip of the American Urological Association. He said that premature ejaculation is one of the most prolific of all man’s sexual dysfunctions. It strikes at between 20% and 30% of men of all ages and social groups.

An effective, patient-friendly treatment for this terrible problem is urgently needed. This amazing new topical spray has the potential to become one of the modern world’s most effective treatments for cases of PE.  But, as of July 2020 it is still not available anywhere…..

Curing Premature Ejaculation

You Can Control Premature Ejaculation

The simple truth is that comparatively few guys who have a rapid ejaculation problem will seek treatment for it, and this can lead to considerable discomfort, both emotional and physical, within a sexual relationship.

After all, the one thing premature ejaculation suggests is that a man doesn’t care about his partner sufficiently to find a cure for the problem and overcome it. For another, the woman may interpret his rapid ejaculation as an “abandonment”, since premature ejaculation tends to bring sex to an abrupt end, often when the couple are in the middle of intercourse, with the woman still feeling emotionally connected to her partner.  And nothing is more important to a woman than the knowledge that her man loves her – the Lover archetype is a powerful force in the feminine psyche, and emotional wounding in the lover archetype here will always make a woman feel insecure.

However you regard it, therefore, premature ejaculation is an unfavorable sexual dysfunction to have within a relationship, and it’s to everybody’s advantage that a suitable treatment program should be found.

I’m glad to say that my sex therapist colleague Lloyd Lester has developed an extremely successful treatment for premature ejaculation, which I recommend highly. This treatment is based upon the principles of sex therapy, as used in a one-to-one clinical setting by sex therapists with their clients. He’s a bit of a Magician, is old Lloyd, being one of the most successful sex therapists on line. Read more about emotional wounding in the magician archetype here.

It takes several treatment approaches and blends them into a single effective and powerful strategy of overcoming premature ejaculation. The main components of this treatment program are:

1 Behavioral modification techniques to ensure the man has a behavioural repertoire that gives him the greatest chance of overcoming premature ejaculation.

2 Cognitive modification techniques using techniques such as NLP and self hypnosis to ensure that the man has sex with the maximum chance of overcoming any tendency whatsoever to ejaculate quickly.

3 Physiological techniques that allow the man to exercise greater control over his own arousal, including, for example, the use of the pubococcygeal muscle to control the rate at which his arousal increases, and to slowdown his approach to the point of ejaculatory inevitability. In this context, it’s worth mentioning that although many so-called authorities on the Internet have recommended squeezing the PC muscle as the man approaches the point of no return, regarding this perhaps as an effective strategy to control the premature ejaculation, the truth is – it’s a completely ineffectual way of controlling ejaculation, and simply doesn’t work.

The only way to use the PC muscle to control rapid ejaculation is to squeeze it gently in the run-up to the point of no return, and by doing this, a man will find his arousal diminishes, his erection softens, and the degree of excitement he’s feeling significantly lessens.

All of this information can be found in an excellent treatment program written by my colleague Lloyd Lester, which explains information here — it’s called Ejaculation by Command — and it really works well for men who aren’t fully aware of their level of arousal during intercourse, or who find that the speed at which they approach ejaculation seems uncontrollable, and far too rapid.

Premature ejaculation can certainly be a real handicap between man and woman in a relationship. It is only by seeking a cure, and sticking rigidly to the treatment protocols that a man is likely to stand any chance whatsoever of overcoming premature ejaculation; it when he does so, the rewards are far greater than you might expect, simply because sex is made so much more relaxed, and so much more enjoyable for both partners.

The outcome of treatment for premature ejaculation is usually extremely successful when the man and his partner both combine to take part in the treatment, and work as a team to ensure that man has the maximum chance of overcoming his sexual dysfunction.

Let me assure you that in all the treatment programs available on the Internet, I have never found such reliable and good information as is available in the one to which I have linked above. Lloyd Lester is an extremely experienced sex therapist, who I know personally, and with whom I have worked on many projects over the years.

He’s a researcher who has taken a great deal of trouble to investigate all of the currently recommended treatment programs for premature ejaculation, and has clearly identified the ones that work, combining them into a single holistic strategy that offers great hope for sexual pleasure for all men and women everywhere.

By examining the contents of his treatment program, Ejaculation by Command, you should be able to establish fairly rapidly which parts of it are suitable for you and your partner, and thereby you will be able to establish treatment protocol for yourselves which is ideally suited to your particular experience of premature ejaculation.

The author of programs available 24/7 to offer support and advice to all customers who have purchased this product; this is particularly valuable benefit for you, and should allow you to gain maximum advantage from the treatment program.

What I would say is that in the context of any treatment sexual dysfunction, it’s essential to ensure that you have adequate support, so do not attempt to solve the problem without the support of your partner, which is an essential prerequisite for all men who may find themselves seeking help for dysfunction.

Without the support of your partner, it’s unlikely that the treatment program will succeed, because the exercises which you engage in to ensure that you’re not going to ejaculate before your level of arousal is as high as it can possibly be, will be impossible to practice without her help.

in general, treatment for premature ejaculation is highly successful, and it’s surprising how few men actually seek help — apparently the average time for a man who has this dysfunction to seek help is six years, which is a truly shocking statistic, but perhaps understandable in view of the embarrassment and shame which it engenders.