Men learn to get aroused by using pornography, where the focus is obviously external to themselves.
And often porn is so arousing that they don’t have any hope of controlling their sexual responses anyway. I’m not sure whether this is a factor in limited bedroom stamina, but I think there might be something in it.
What I do know to be true is the fact that during sex you actually have to pay attention to what’s happening between you and your partner, keeping your focus on how you feel and on how she’s responding to what you’re doing to her.
When you’re “in the moment” like this, sensing everything that is happening, you are much more aware of how aroused you are.
This means you have a much greater chance of being able to control your level of arousal – and hence your staying power – by changing what you’re doing with your partner – e.g. switching to something that actually turns you on less, until your arousal has leveled off, and you can continue without danger of ejaculating unexpectedly.
Now, suppose that you have a high level of resentment, frustration, or stress in your relationship: it makes sense that if you try making love it’s not going to be as successful as it would be if you were feeling emotionally close and intimate with your partner.
For one thing, you’re already feeling emotionally aroused and, as we’ve seen above, that will affect your sexual responses.
And for another, who would actually want to be making love to somebody with whom they feel angry? Doesn’t it follow that you might just come quite quickly because subconsciously you simply want the experience to be over with? (Could this be why so many men lack endurance in the bedroom?)
I suspect the same is true of men who have a deep-seated conflict with women or a deep-seated lack of trust in women – and I can tell you, once again from years of experience with hundreds of men, that those two things are extremely common.
There’s another factor at work here, which is the widespread belief that men should be able to have sex with any woman who seems to be willing. The truth is, as I learned when I used to run an advice line for adolescents, that the body never lies.
Young men who were not confident about sex, or who were not ready to have intercourse, or who had been seduced into sexual situations by an older partner when they really didn’t want to make love, all found that their erections would mysteriously disappear, even though they were turned on, at the point where intercourse is about to start.
I mean, the truth is this: they didn’t have the staying power or the ability to last longer in the bedroom because they didn’t want to be there… in short, they didn’t want to be having sex with the person concerned, and their penis made it impossible for it to happen.
I rather suspect the same thing happens to men later in life, but the way in which the mind makes its true feelings clear is by causing premature ejaculation. Then we seek an explanation for what looks like a lack of bedroom stamina and staying power. We go on a search for ways to increase staying power. For techniques which will show us how to last longer in bed….. and they may not work!
And finally of course there’s good old sexual performance anxiety, from which we’ve all suffered at times. The sexual pressure on men is considerable. Not just to go to bed with any willing woman, but also to take her to orgasm, to be responsible for her orgasm in fact, to last long enough in bed, and to show that they are sexually competent in every way.
No wonder men get anxious about sex! With that weight of responsibility on their shoulders who wouldn’t?
And anxiety from all these things can stimulate a man’s level of sexual arousal to the point where the threat to self-esteem if he gets it wrong is so great that he just feels anxious about making love.
Feeling anxious will cause a rapid ejaculation, which then reinforces his self-doubt and anxiety, setting up a vicious circle of negative expectation and quick ejaculation which can be quite hard to break – unless you have the right techniques and tools at your disposal.
A similar cause of anxiety is the worry about being able to satisfy a sexual partner. One of the ways that this can be dealt with is to give her an orgasm through oral pleasure or masturbation before intercourse begins.
Needless to say anything anything else that causes anxiety about sex, be it fear of sexually transmitted infections, fear of getting a woman pregnant, fear of losing your erection, and a million other things, can also cause rapid ejaculation – or at least they can be factors in its genesis.