Delayed ejaculation

A rather crucial point that requires much emphasis is that sexual orgasm or the feeling of reaching a climax during masturbation or sexual intercourse is a mental event or episode. It all happens mentally, exclusively in the mind, and this is true even though the perceived physical pleasure lies in the body.

When men and their sexual partners try to focus on the topic of anorgamsia or retarded or delayed ejaculation, the tendency is usually to think of these two different occurrences as being the same. Contrary to popular opinions and widespread notions, orgasm and ejaculation are two entirely different and distinct events!

Ejaculation, however, is a bodily reflex response that is induced by persistent and repeated pleasurable physical pressure and stimulation to the penis and various other pleasure points such as the perineum, nipples and the base of the scrotum.

Scientific researchers have not yet identified where sexual orgasm is located as a neural event within the brain, but there have been breakthroughs concerning synaptic pathways by which the physical function of ejaculation is mediated.

There are competing and even contradictory viewpoints but one conclusion is that when sensual or sexual arousal reaches a certain level of intensity, the flow of semen into the farthest point of the male urethra concentrates and increases the fluid pressure at the root of the penis.

This in turn sets in motion a number of reflex reactions which includes movement of the pubococcygeal muscle in a series of rhythmic pulsations – ejaculation is evidently controlled by the involuntary nervous system, while sexual arousal is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system.

As it is, medical researchers see delayed ejaculation as a real problem, and the evolution of the terminology represents the scientific community’s increasingly enlightened attitude to this syndrome ejaculatory incompetence, inhibited ejaculation, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.

This nomenclature is illustrative of a slowly increasing level of respect for the men who are having problems in relationship or ejaculation issues with their partners during sexual intercourse. This book explains how to delay ejaculation.

What is puzzling to researchers is that many sufferers are able to ejaculate during their own masturbation. This has given rise to the belief that relationship issues are associated with failure to achieve orgasm and ejaculate during partnered sex. However, a healthy dose of skepticism in looking at such ideas is needed.

Video – the effect of delayed ejaculation on relationships

There is strong reason to suggest that a man’s failure to ejaculate even getting fellatio, during or when penetrating a partner, or through stimulation by a partner’s hand merely represents the fact that there’s the higher degree of stimulation during self-pleasuring is much more intense.

A man may have learned to apply powerful self-stimulation to his penis while self-pleasuring. It’s obvious that the human body can be trained to get used to some extraordinary levels of sexual stimulation, so it’s always wise to find out whether or not the problems with delayed ejaculation originate in the fact that the man on his own, using masturbation, can apply hard, firm, or high-frequency stroking, in a way that is not replicable during intercourse with another person.

There’s ample basis to assume that if this really is the cause of delayed ejaculation, the remedy clearly lies in reconditioning the body, the penis and the brain, so that they can respond to softer pleasuring of the kind that stimulates orgasm in intercourse.

In many instances, sexual therapists, counsellors and psychotherapists often adopt the attitude, the philosophical position, even, that the dynamics between the partners is to be seen as the primary cause of the condition.

To be fair, there is pretty good evidence and a basis for this rational line of thinking. Many sexually active couples become increasingly aggressive and hostile to each other and neglect to maintain any degree of intimacy to the point where a the man in the relationship no longer enjoys intercourse. 

And even if there isn’t resentment, antagonism, or any other emotion on the part of the man towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific type of individual who is prone to delayed ejaculation.

As often cited in scientific literature, this personality profile is quite likely a person who is somehow disconnected to his personal preferences to induce sexual arousal. He may be unaware of how aroused he is while doing sexual activities and intercourse and looks at sex as a sort-of duty for which he is completely responsible. He may also see his sexual partner’s pleasure and gratification during sexual intercourse as his own, exclusively male, responsibility.  

These personalities  generally, whether expressed or not, see themselves as the “mighty powerful provider of sex”, thrusting rhythmically (often against all the odds) to steer sex to a successful conclusion.

An interesting factor in this arrangement is that the majority of the partners of men in this situation are often somewhat passive when it comes to sex. They have a tacit understanding that it’s the male who is obligated to bring them sexual pleasure. In such cases, it’s clearly imperative to help and provide instructions to the sex partners and make available some useful sexual information. Coached in such a way, the couple’s expectations and attitudes about sex and sexual gratification can be steered closer to reality.

Finally, it has been observed that men who have this kind of personality profile generally lack awareness of their own level of arousal. In a very real sense, there appears to be a certain gap, or a blank space, in the sexual experience. What can be deduced from all these is that their internal sexual model doesn’t serve as a divider of sexual stimulus and gratification: they are left in a frustrating state of arousal, of sexual confusion, and this means they are attempting to have sexual contact with another person without any of the essential tools that are necessary for the sex act to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying experience.

So what actually is delayed ejaculation?

It means you can’t ejaculate in any kind of reasonable time during sex. It might mean you can’t even ejaculate during masturbation. One of the most important things about it is the effect it has on men and their partners: the fact you can’t ejaculate during sexual intercourse, or maybe not during any kind of sex with your partner, is a mutual problem.

Video – what causes delayed ejaculation?

By its very nature, this problem is something that men keep to themselves, and often they don’t even discuss it with their partners. So, most likely, you have no idea how common it is. Truth is, the inability to ejaculate during intercourse seems to affect about one man in 10 in the whole population. 

If you’re in a relationship where you’re not communicating with your partner, or where sex has stopped because of your embarrassment or frustration, or your partner thinks she’s not attractive to you any more, then the treatment program on this website may be exactly what you need to get things working again.

But what does “working again” mean? It’s possible that you’ve never actually ejaculated during intercourse, or you’ve only been able to do so with extreme difficulty, so you may have no idea what it’s like to enjoy the experience of easy orgasms and a natural ejaculation during intercourse.

There’s another kind of problem too that comes under the heading of delayed ejaculation – the one where you can ejaculate easily with certain sexual partners, but not with others. That aspect of the problem is called “situational” delayed ejaculation.

Now, having such difficulty with ejaculating is so different to premature ejaculation that it seems hard to understand how such a thing could possibly happen. We’re all used to the idea of the man who ejaculates far too quickly — in fact, prematurity has become something of a joke.

But the long, slow, slow, slooooow kind of ejaculatory dysfunction is definitely not a joke for anyone. It can cause a lot of self doubt and anxiety for the man, and it can cause the woman to feel she’s not loved or she’s not attractive (her thinking is – “Why else would he not be excited enough to ejaculate inside me?”).

So what can you do about your delay in ejaculating? First,  understand why it’s happening. And to do that, it’s important to look at how it usually affects people. The chief effects of delayed ejaculation are emotional frustration and physical soreness on the part of the woman.  Not many women actually like long-lasting intercourse — at least, not as long as it lasts when the man has delayed ejaculation! And clearly if the couple are trying to have a child, then this is a crazy kind of ejaculatory dysfunction to struggle with.

Often when a man makes love for a long time without ejaculating he’ll lose his erection, and the woman may simply lose interest because she’s bored, unaroused, or she’s lost her natural lubrication.

Obviously there are variations on this pattern between couples, but that’s pretty much how it works. You can imagine how this means the couple in question don’t enjoy sex much. The lack of ejaculation takes away the natural conclusion of sex, leaving in its place a tedious process with no clear end-point that tends to please nobody.

And this can put considerable strain on anyone’s relationship. A woman often experiences her man’s DE (short for delayed ejaculation) as some kind of rejection, even though the man is generally trying really hard to please her sexually. And a lot of men with ejaculation problems have a sense of unfairness, a sense of the injustice of it all. They are often trying really hard during intercourse to make things good for their partner. As it happens this effort is probably part of the problem.

That’s because a lot of men with delayed ejaculation don’t actually seem to be sexually aroused very much. And that’s extraordinary, because usually they have a hard and long lasting erection.